“Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians” by Brandon Sanderson (Scholastic, 2008)

Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librariansstarstarstarstar

I write this under the pen name of book reviewer Alex C. Telander, so I can keep the librarians happy and unsuspecting.  If you’re reading this, then you must’ve heard about the supposed “fictional” book, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians.  Good for you!  You have taken the first step to learning the truth.

This book isn’t really by Brandon Sanderson, it’s a cover for the true story and biography of Alcatraz Smedry.  In this first book in the series you’ll learn about Alcatraz and why he’s always breaking everything he touches.  It’s because that’s his special power.  In fact he thought he was an orphan – yeah, like Harry Potter – only turns out he was just being protected.  On his thirteenth birthday – after burning the kitchen down because he broke the stove – he gets a bag of sand as a gift from the parents he never knew he had, an inheritance, and it get stolen.  His grandfather appears from nowhere and just rescues him in time – his special ability is that he arrives late for everything, really handy when you’re being shot at.

Alcatraz soon finds out that the world isn’t what he thinks it is, that there’s other places  he never knew existed, but it’s all because of those evil librarians; they’re behind everything.  They’ve pulled the wool over our eyes for a long time, but if you’re reading this, then maybe you’ll read Alcatraz’s story and find out what the truth is.  The evil librarians control everything, but it’s up to Alcatraz along with help from his family and an appointed bodyguard, a girl who’s a knight of the Crystallia, to try and stop these librarians and get that important bag of sand back.  Because the sand can be used to make lenses which have special powers, and this sand will make a lens that can read any language, even the ancient language which nobody knows how to read.

So now you’ve read this fake book review about a fictional book called Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson, go out and get the book at any bookstore – avoid the library, ‘cos that’s where the evil librarians are – and find out what the real world is like.  Think The Matrix, only better!

If you liked this review and are interested in purchasing this book, click here.

Originally written on July 18th 2009 ©Alex C. Telander.

For an interview with Brandon Sanderson check out BookBanter Episode 2.

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