“I Saw Zombies Eating Santa Claus: A Breathers Christmas Carol” by S G Browne (Gallery Books, 2012)


The bestselling author of the hilariously entertaining zombie book, Breathers, has a Christmas treat for you: a zombie holiday novella featuring some of the characters you’ve come to love from Breathers.  It’s a Christmas miracle like no other; one you won’t soon forget.

Andy Warner is having problems.  Other than being a zombie, he’s also a test subject in a horrible lab, where the employees care nothing about their zombie guinea pigs and will poke and prod, burn and dismember, and do whatever they feel like with them.  But after the unfolding events of Breathers, this is what his life has become now.  Zombies no longer have any rights whatsoever; many have been put to rest permanently, while those still around are trapped in these labs across the country.  But Andy has a plan to spring him and his fellow zombies out of this prison, along with the help of a zombie support group.

Once on the outside, Andy does his best to keep his friends safe, but also make sure they have a regular supply of fresh human to keep them healthy and well.  Funnily enough, when people treat you like nothing more than a corpse in a lab, you don’t care that much when you want to eat them.  But the people from the lab are looking for them, scouring the city, and eventually they will be found.  Though Andy also knows he has an ally in one of the laboratory employees, but doesn’t know why.

And in the middle of all this, Andy meets a lonely nine year-old girl who believes he’s Santa, because he was dressed as Santa (the perfect disguise at Christmas) and wants just one gift in the whole world: to have her bad parent of a mother pay more attention to her and love her.  So now Andy has a guilt problem to deal with, as well as to save all his zombie friends and himself from getting caught and thrown back in the lab.  He knows if he gets caught, he’ll end up on the body farm this time.

Browne does a great job of replicating the voice and tone of Breathers, putting you right back in the world he created and making you realize how much you missed it.  Andy even comes up with a few haikus to entertain you.  Readers will be thrilled with this Christmas present, and be left wondering if Browne will be writing any more adventures of Andy and his unusual gang.

Originally written on December 4, 2012 ©Alex C. Telander.

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